This blog post is about ABUSE. Its not a heartwarming story, and it is not about anything I have personally known myself. But it is about someone I hold close to my heart, who’s tale I hear of from across the country. Her battle is an ugly one and my heart breaks every time I hear about the things she is going through, and I cry thinking about how she hasn’t found the courage YET, to step up and seek out help.

You know the saying “Love means never having to say your sorry,” well I want amend it a bit.

“Love never means having to say you’re sorry, but love won’t put you in the hospital or hurt you.”

Let me start off by saying abuse of any kind is not ok.

When you think of abuse, the first thing you think is battered women and children, or sexually assaulted women and children. [Yes men get abused as well, and I am not ignoring that fact, but my blog is about women, and this post in particular, is for women.] The next thing you possibly see in your head is fists, an angry face, maybe a broken home and from there your mind will wander. Let me direct your mind to the first signs that goes ignored so many times. Abuse doesn’t start with a fist in your face, It starts with words. It starts with Control. “No you can’t see that person anymore because of…,” or “why do you make me do this/that,” I only say these things/do these things because I love you.” “ Its your fault,” “You made me do this.” Of course the phrases don’t stop there. At this point there are probably names being called and include some of these: Fat, ugly, slut, whore, bitch are just a few names a women may be called in these situations. “Good for nothing,”  “do it and see what happens,” “I dare you to …,” “…or else.” Watch for things like closed fists and clenched teeth while hes is ‘speaking/yelling. Breaking things or being destructive towards things is a sign to get out…even if he hasn’t put his hands on you yet. It will happen, and you need to go. Get out NOW.

Those are just a few warning signs that I can think of and find through some research. I’ll link at the bottom.

Abusers take control of you your life, your actions, money and possessions. They somehow twist it to make it your fault, or make you feel guilty for wanting to leave the situation, and eventually its not guilt you feel, its fear. The fear builds over time as the abuse increases from verbal name calling and controlling to the breaking of things and destruction of the world around you, to the actual abuse of you.

The story I am watching from afar, this girl fears for herself and her son everyday, but pretends things are fine. She makes excuses for her boyfriend most of the time, “he’s tired from working all day,” “he just got fired so he’s just upset,” he’s really stressed out from not finding a job,” “the baby was up all night so boyfriend didn’t get much sleep.” She minimalizes the fact that he is treating her like crap and brushes it off like nothing. She knows that him hitting her is wrong. I came to find that she has been in an abusive relationship before and my heart breaks again. This girl, I still refer to her as a girl out of habit, she is a woman, feels like this is her only option. In the state she lives in, no one can help her if she doesn’t help herself. If she doesn’t come out and say hey, this dude is hitting me, threatening me, verbally abusing me, then no one will lift a finger to help, maybe its like this in all states, I do not know, but I don’t agree with it. I called the women’s crisis center in her state and they told me sorry, nothing can be done unless she comes to us! Everyone around her that knows pushes her to press charges against her boyfriend, yet she won’t. she promised me a couple of months ago, next time he put his hands on her, that, that was it and she was pressing charges…he has done it a few times since then…she doesn’t tell me these things much anymore, but I eventually hear them…she still doesn’t press charges. I stopped trying to involve myself because knowing I can do nothing from where I am, is heartbreaking and soul crushing. I even have taken to praying (and I am not religious at all,) for her and her son’s well being and safety.

This story of a girl, isn’t just a story, its real life. Her actual life of broken doors and broken things. A life of bruises and bumps. A story that she only remembers sometimes depending how hard she got her head slammed against a wall hours prior, only to wake on the couch with boyfriend gone, or maybe she just blocks it out and refuses to remember, maybe it’s a different kind of evil I won’t highlight in this story... A life she lives indoors majority of the time because she isn’t permitted to have a social life. She is slowly being secluded from family and friends. It’s a lonely world she is living in, especially when the people who try to help, keep getting shut out. She may hate me for telling a bit of her story, she may hate me now because of the people I have told of her very current life, but the only way I know to help her is by making sure people are aware of her situation. I want them to know so that when she comes to them for help, if she comes to them for help, that they can be there for her and her son. I would rather her hate me for a lifetime, than get a call that she is dead by the hands of her abusive boyfriend. I beg her, I beg you-woman reading this that are in similar situations-leave. If you have kids, grab them and get out. Go to a women’s shelter, or to a family members house. A friend’s house. Go anywhere you can that is away from the situation and get help. You will never change your abuser, he/she will keep getting worse. Get out NOW!

This young woman that is going through all of this, may read this, she may not. I hope that this will help someone out there stand up for themselves and get out of the bad situation they are in. I whole heartedly wish she would, but she is so broken from this abuse, from some of the poorer choices she has made that I think she is convinced herself that maybe she deserves this life? Or maybe there is no way out? I am here to tell you and her especially, all you have to do is reach out and we will help you. If you want help just ask someone that is not your abuser.

Even if I do not know you, I will try to help you. Take control of your life and leave, for your safety, your childs safety. For your future.

Picture a world where you aren’t being called names, where yelling isn’t the only form of communication. Picture a life where you can go out for a cup of coffee or to the movies or anywhere with friends without the fear of being beaten. Imagine a life that your only “fears” are of being late for work, or school, or getting a speeding ticket. Imagine a life where you call the shots and make your own choices, and don’t have the bruises and the lies holding you down. Imagine a home without holes in the walls and doors. Now, realize that the only way you are going to have that life, is if you stand up and leave the one you are in, don’t look back.

Here is a poem that I heard in highschool years ago, and it brings chills to me everytime I read it. I swore I would never fall victim to it, I never thought it would happen to someone so close to my heart.


by Paulette Kelly

Dedicated to all battered women.

I got flowers today!
It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day;
We had our first argument last night; And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;

Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed like a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares to find they aren’t real.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentine’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long-sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know-but I know he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was much worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today…Today was a very special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he finally killed me—I was beaten to death;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
The women’s shelter could have helped me, but I didn’t ask for their help;
So I got flowers today…for the last time.

Copyright 1992 c by Paulette Kelly




DO you need help?


If you know someone who is being abused, or if you yourself is being abused, reach out to someone, even me, for help. I will do what i can to help you.